image: Shinjan Patra
words: Debarati Ray
Those of you are thinking that love is nothing but only an elusive extravaganza or something to enjoy only for a momentary pleasure, let me tell you that this blog is not for them. Not even for those who are considering it only as a station where someone will stand at a complaint counter and the other one will be on another side always to meet up his/ her partner’s needs in the name of this love. Moreover, this blog is not even for those who`re always comparing their relationship according to a so called success meter where they`re getting no one but only their ego selves as the talking personas to converse with. Rather, this blog is for them who wants to perceive what actually does the word `Love` mean, beyond all the so called interpretations of merry- making and comparisons that we usually think as love, just in a fit of our emotional fervor or in a casual way of talking.
Now the question is; is it only a transient feeling that quite unexpectedly comes and withers away in an inconspicuous way? Or, something that comes quite accidentally and stays forever as an eternal source of energy, quite akin to your being, to your soul? The answer lies elsewhere that you may feel only. Though in a tangible sense, you may see nothing but deep in your heart you can have its real essence. Here, at this juncture I would like to assure you that true love will never tell you to indulge in some momentary enjoyments in the name of pleasure. Rather, it`ll always inspire you to choose the right direction where you need not to philosophize or fantasize your love languages, but quite naturally can feel both of your emotions and inspire yourselves to feel the continuity of life itself. There the concept of `you` and `I` would automatically wither away. And in place of that the concept of `we` come forward to accept the truth and harmony on a basis where reality ties its knots with the essence of eternity itself.
Accept each other as you really are, irrespective of your strengths and weaknesses:
In this section, I would like to tell you one simple thing. If you`re indulging yourself to search for a perfect partner, let me tell you that you`re doing nothing but simply exhausting your energy and engaging yourself to fall under the trap of hopelessness and despair. Because nobody can be absolutely perfect on this planet. So, perfection is nothing but only an illusion to find out. There you may feel yourself only as a defeated runner who is chasing after an unrealistic dream partner who will never come, in an actual sense. But let me tell you, while you`re seeking for that kind of partner, ask yourself only for once; “Are you the most perfect being on this planet?” I think, you`ll get your answer. When you`re chasing after someone, it`s not the real you that inspiring you to do so. But I think, it`s your ego self that continually blurs your vision and indulges you to search for that perfect one, keeping you unknown of the fact that you yourself are not perfect enough. And with this idea of self- aggrandizement, quite unknowingly of yourselves you may start to view your togetherness not as a relation but as an equation where both of your souls lose their ideal track of independence.
Acceptance is one of the highest way of nourishing your relationship, I think. Though I`m not saying here to accept something or someone at the cost of depriving or dishonoring yourself as it may hinder your inner balance, sometimes your existence as well. Hence, it`s not favorable to do so. Because relationship or marriage, anything you say is not a deal where some issues have to be covered up and undersigned. Instead, it`s an union of two loving and caring souls; it`s more than what you see, rather it`s all about what you perceive, what you feel deep in your heart. It`s not an addiction to be lulled with, not even a co- dependency of living together in order to maintain a so called status- quo. Rather, it has a magic inside that always speaks of a different harmony, of a different maturity where recognizing both of your strengths and weaknesses, you`ll be able to build a highly committed relationship on a spiritual dimension of your being. There you may perceive a deeper meaning of your life as well where togetherness doesn`t mean only to show the world that you`re happy enough; but in a real sense to feel that happiness, that bliss inside to move forward in order to build a solid relationship based on a mature understanding.
Conflicts are not external but an unconscious projection of your own mind:
In this section, I would like to share with you an unexpected incident that happened to a lady who quite unknowingly of herself used to indulge in some negative thoughts regarding her married life that ultimately leaded her to criticize and humiliate her own husband for everything, while actually her husband had done nothing wrong to her. All the time, she used to think that her husband was cheating on her. Moreover he might have some secret life, beyond her knowledge and someday he would desolate her for someone else. Gradually, things got started to worsen more. Her husband tried to console her, even tried to make her feel that these were nothing but only some illusions of her mind. But that caused her to rage more against him and ultimately she took up the decision of desolating him forever only on the basis of that false belief that someday her husband would leave her out in the cold.
You may think that it`s only a simple incident that may happen to anyone. But if you probe deeper you can unravel the truth. Things were not the same as when they met each other for the first time. It only started after few months when Florence started to suspect her husband. And eventually that suspicion germinated within her a sense of insecurity where quite unknowingly of herself she started to lose her inner balance and as a result of that, her unconscious gradually started to belief a false idea that not only hindered her natural course of belief system but also made an indelible mark on her conscious self, resulting an utter failure of seeing things in a natural or in a less conflicted way. You may think, why did all these happen, while they both agreed to marry each other? But, here at this stage I would like to tell you a simple truth that you may not perceive yet. As what you`re thinking as love that they once shared was not a love in the real sense, particularly from the end of that woman. It was for her only a security. Though we all need that, at some point of our life, to some extent. But we need not to forget the fact that love is not something, bounded only with this clause of security but something more than that mere sense of co- dependency. And in this case, it was only that sense of insecurity, I feel that somehow leaded her to suspect her husband. His soft and humble nature quite unexpectedly started to appear before her as his indifference. His usual nature of remaining calm during the moments of arguments seemed to her as his attitude of dishonoring her presence. And all these nonsense actually started within her unconscious while quite unknowingly of herself she started to become obsessed with the thought of building a foundation of an elusive security where their love quite hopelessly lost her own way to flourish. And here at this juncture, the true worth of seeing something in a self- reflective way, got conflicted and that higher level of security that only soul knows, started to fade away.
Love only knows the language of harmony, truth and balance:
If you think that was the end of her marriage, let me tell you one simple thing that it was completely not her marriage alone, but theirs. So it was not that end. Here at this juncture, I would like to share with you that miraculous aftermath that inspired that lady to believe in her marriage and reconcile with her husband, once again in a more mature and highly committed relationship. But that didn`t happen overnight. And it was only because of her husband who never gave up. And when she came back she was not the same complaining and dissatisfied wife, rather a completely changed woman who ultimately realized the true meaning of love, of choosing the right partner not on the basis of getting security, but on the basis of truth and harmony.
Here, I would like to share with you her husband`s experience in his own words;
“For the first few days, I used to curse me, blame myself for not taking care of Florence in that way she expected. Most of the time I felt so bad, depressed. I was not finding any actual reason from her side to desolate me. Sometimes, my ego used to tell me it was her choice to leave me. So why should I mourn over that? She deserted me in a harsh way. So why should I communicate with her only for the sake of satisfying her ego? But, after some days, quite unexpectedly things got started to change. I started to feel that intense connection that I used to feel for her during those first days of our relation. Quite magically I started to believe that she would come back to me someday. And that belief also inspired me to honor my own life, once again. You may ask; was I getting selfish at that point? But my answer would be like, that was not a selfishness but a sort of self-love that I was experiencing those days. Quite unexpectedly those lonely nights started to appear before me as the nights of contentment, not of bereavement, as I started to feel her presence, by my side.
For the first few days, I didn`t realize what was going on in my life. But deep in my heart, I could feel a magical power, continually inspiring me to move forward with a strong belief that Florence will come back to me, not only because she has to, but because I have that power of love in my soul to bring her back. So I shouldn`t ignore her in the same way as she did with me. Readily, I took up a decision of visiting her house at every weekend. Though, for the first few days she didn`t meet, but after some days, things got started to change. Gradually, those little talks started to take the form of some long conversations where we didn`t find any room to criticize each other. Rather, still now, after thirty years of our marriage we can feel that those conversations were nothing but a mutual sharing of two wounded souls who were finding no place, no time to converse with. In those days we learned from each other what to release and what to share, what to embrace and what to compromise in order to discover the simple truth of love. And that truth was; never expect from your partner to be changed just because you want to change him/her, but if possible, change yourself only for the sake of love, for the sake of that contentment that your soul yearns for a long. I still remember those happy lines that Florence wrote for me that night when we together returned our home after our six months of separation:
Thanks for all, my dear! Thanks for making me to believe in love, for introducing me with a different truth. Thanks for helping me to discover myself. Thanks for everything that you did to enliven our souls once again, to make us feel that we`re meant for each other and that insecurity was just an illusion. And we`re here on this planet to feel the charm of eternity that our souls yearn for, since the primordial time.
Recognize your soul and allow her to choose your right partner in a magical way:
A true self- recognition or a kind of self- reflection is highly necessary to choose your right partner according to the same level of vibration. And then only, the two of you need not to see yourselves as two different entities, as two counter egos to talk together, rather feel yourselves as a whole, connected to the soul level that knows no boundaries of conflicts and criticisms, rather believes on a different level of commitment of mirroring each other in a self- reflective way. And trust me, this self- recognition sometimes acts as an alchemy to choose the right partner and align yourself to your true purpose, harmonizing each other’s soul`s calling in a balanced and more in a spiritual way.
In this connection, I would like to share with you another incident that happened to a lady who was quite accidentally married to a narcissist, wealthy man where she got trapped by the manipulative actions of that self- centered narcissist. Though, for the first few months, she didn`t realize the real matter. But as times passed, things got started to worsen, even more and she got realized that her hopes of making her husband to realize her love for him was just nothing, but the biggest mistake of her life. Here, at this juncture, I would like to tell you that accepting something or someone (that`s continually disrespecting you and your existence) on a blind basis can lead you towards a state of identity crisis and hopelessness from where you can only discover yourself as a dependent creature who doesn`t even know how to respect himself/ herself in a right way, resulting helplessness and an utter failure to recognize his/ her true worth. Here, you may think, am I asking you to indulge your ego? Certainly not, my dear. But here I`m suggesting you to respect your self- worth, your identity. Because this failure of recognizing yourself, sometimes may prompt you to choose the wrong partner. This case was quite similar to that.
But quite unexpectedly, after one year she started to regain her power back. It was quite like a magic that inspired her to leave all the old patterns of thinking and choose the right person for her. Here, I would like to share her experience in her own voice when for the last time I met her outside of a court room. She was not grieving at all but a serenity and a dignified calmness, visible on her face.
“Several times I tried to understand him. But every time I was proved as a failure. It was literally getting impossible for me to stay with him, any longer with that false belief that he loves me. Because, by that time, I was pretty much sure of the fact that it was not his love but only his ego that finally trapped me inside his house. As he was also going through that fear of being divorced, while actually there was no love, no respect for me from his side, since the first day of our marriage. Today, this divorce is not only giving me the release from a false marriage but also providing me another chance to recognize myself, my true worth, once again. And now I believe that true love always awaits for us. It`s only the power of our vibrations that help us to choose the right one. May be on some other day, may be at somewhere else, with someone special. But all is a matter of our destiny as I feel. It was all because of that power of a divine intelligence, that I used to feel during those painful nights, quite magically guided and inspired me to take up this decision.”
Someone called her back. Her words got interrupted but her happiness didn`t wither away. It was no one but her lawyer himself who was calling her for the final proceedings of her divorce. That was the day when I met that lady for the last time. She waved me, bringing a smile on her face. I waved her back. I stood still over there, only to witness a happy beginning of something, very pure and peaceful. They were walking together. Both she and her lawyer. They were not holding each other’s hands. They were only discussing over the court procedures. Both were smiling. But there was something very special and divine, I felt somehow when they were walking together, conversing with each other. That was neither some sort of co- dependency, nor any kind of strategic planning, but something much higher that her soul had been searching for a long period of time, throughout her previous marriage. On that day, I was very much elated and felt inside that her search was going to take a completion. And I was almost sure that she was quite on the brink of finding her true mate. Yes! It was really a magic where truth stood for her without any fear and inspired her soul to find the right person, true to her being, once again.
